Okay, not a thousand right now. I realize we are only on blog post #3 currently. But, here’s what happened. I stopped blogging on my other blog because some sad things happened for our family. And I didn’t want to write about them. Also, my laptop screen got smashed, which put a damper on my writing career. But, I missed telling stories and working on being witty and funny and charming. And then one day, I had a mishap. Because I don’t have a problem laughing at myself, I decided to write it down and share it with a couple of people at my work, and they laughed. And laughed. And I loved writing again. So, here’s the story that led (eventually) to my re-entry to the blogging world:

Imagine you’ve just finished styling your hair (which, to all intents are purposes, actually looked better when you first woke up than in its current incarnation of Steel-Magnolias-brown-football-helmet, but at least you got up in time to do SOMETHING to it, which is half the battle) and getting dressed. Imagine you’ve toasted your morning waffle, measured out the perfect calorie-balanced portion of reduced-fat peanut butter and grape jelly (sidebar: from a squeeze bottle, the best jelly invention ever). And, in the same healthy vein, you’ve poured a glass of water, thinking in pride-goeth-before-a-fall smugness about getting your daily 8-glass quota started off right during your drive.

Imagine you can tell your pants are just a little looser than last time you wore them because of this calorie-counting/exercise regimen you’ve been on, and you decide, because of this, that of course you don’t need an after-work outfit to wear to book club. You’ll be just fine as is. Of course, you’re all happiness and smugness and light heading out to the car, dialing up “Time2 Go2Work Heisman Cypher” on your phone so you can practice your freestyle flow (thug life) and get pumped for the day ahead. Of course you are.
And then, imagine this. You open your car door and lean in to get settled. You reach down to throw yesterday’s water tumbler into the floorboard, because why in the world would you consider taking it inside at the end of yesterday’s work day? Sheer madness. Instead, it just joins the rest of its long-lost plastic cup family in the floorboard. And then, imagine your perfectly-toasted-and-peanut-buttered waffle falling at the perfect angle, right into your water. RIGHT INTO YOUR WATER. So then, of course, imagine that you frantically fish out the waffle and decide it’d be a great idea to try to let some of the water drip out of it back into your cup, because obviously THAT would make it more edible. If you’ve never dunked a waffle in water, let me tell you about it. You know how an Oreo gets just the right ratio of sogginess to crispiness to sweetness when it’s dunked? Well, a waffle is nothing like that. The one non-dunked part your holding is still crispy, firm and covered with peanut butter, which is now on your hands. The rest of the breakfast-formerly-known-as waffle is about as floppy and wobbly as Kim Kardashian’s pregnancy thighs. And then, splat, a huge glob of jelly falls into your cup. And some crumbs. Frantic waffle expulsion from the car ensues, and of course, because that’s how life is, another huge glob of jelly (seriously, how did this much jelly get on this waffle? Like Destiny’s Child warned me, I was totally not ready for this jelly) falls onto those pants you were so happy about just eight short minutes ago.
It can only look up from here, right?