“Keep the change, you filthy animal.”

Part of the sad reality of being married to someone who works in the energy sector is that you often end up at home alone. With three years of law school immediately in the rear view mirror, we’ve been able to be both at home, both in San Antonio, for quite a while, but now we’re getting back into the traveling rhythm.

So, what’s a girl to do when home alone? Here’s my home alone checklist, just in case you should find yourself in the same situation:

1) Keep a baseball bat in your car and a bottle of wasp spray under your bed. Okay, I have never actually needed these things, because not so much as a mouse has sneaked into my house when I’ve been by myself, but I usually come home from work, bring my trusty bat inside and do this crazy-person-walk-around-the-house thing where I go poking and prodding the bat into every nook and cranny. Seriously, under-the-sink-cabinet so tiny even Tyrion Lannister might be a tight squeeze? The bat’s getting stabbed in there. Behind a shower curtain? Getting the bat. Blanket that looks just a little too suspiciously fluffy in the linen closet? Yep, that’s getting poked and prodded to within an inch of its non-life.

2) Sleep in burglar-friendly clothing. My sleep wardrobe is totally different when I’m at home alone than when there’s anyone else in the house. If there’s a possibility I might be attacked by a burglar, rapist, rogue scary clown or anything else in the night, I’m not going to be wearing anything scandalous or sassy or cute. No way. Straight up Will’s old baseball jersey and real full-length workout pants, so I can attack (read: run from) anything that might sneak in without dying from embarassment in front of my neighbors. 

3) Send all the good books out of the house. Right now, I’m in the middle of Game of Thrones and I can’t be trusted around those books. In four  weeks, I’ve read about 3,000 pages of the Seven Kingdoms and a lot of magic and incest and war and excellent characters getting killed and other stuff, and I need to take a break. Actually, I need to let my husband catch up, so I stop giving things away, like accidentally saying, “I hate Theon” and then having him get all mad at me. So, while he’s gone, I’m sending the last two books in his car so that I can’t do any more epic bingeing while I’m at home alone. Same goes for scary books – if a book has frightened me in the past, it’s immediately consigned to behind the locked door of the garage when I know that I’m going to be myself. You know, so those characters don’t sneak out and attack me – totally reasonable.

4) Enjoy a few crazy nights. Yep, that’s exactly what I plan to do. Kick it  with a good-looking San Antonian (James Roday!) and his sidekick Ovaltine Jenkins/Ghee Buttersnaps/Gus “Silly Pants” Jackson … for night after night of Psych on Netflix. I can’t spend all my time watching it when my husband’s at home because he has some ridiculous opinion about it being corny. Please. Will, don’t be Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Marzipan.

5) Craft like Christmas is tomorrow. When I’m at home alone, I have no one to turn my brilliant wit on, so I have to funnel all that creativity into crafts. This week will be an excellent one to get the Christmas ones started. I presume that by the time Will gets home, I’ll be halfway between, “These are so awesome….come look at them right now,” and, “I’m an idiot. WHYYYY did I pick such a hard project?” But, at least Psych will be on in the background, so there’s that.

6) Beg your friends to spend the night. I get really in “Let’s have a sleepover” mode when I’m by myself, and I start trying to bribe people to come keep me company. And, if you’re up for it, I’m a good host. I cook things. I have Netflix. I can put a chocolate on your pillow (if I can reach them from the top-secret-chocolate-stash-that-I-need-a-chair-to-access in my pantry). And, you know you’ll be safe because I’ll be doing my bat-in-hand house patrols before you arrive.

So, being home alone… not so cool, but it could be worse. I mean, I could be the one driving out of town for work instead of the one at home pondering what to watch on Netflix and debating whether the green paint I’m using is just too green for my crafty project. You know, the struggle and all that.

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