Halloween Envy: A Costume Digest

I didn’t grow up celebrating Halloween for many years. In fact, the last year I can remember doing anything Halloween-ish was this one year when my mom took us to a homeschool kid “fall festival” thing. She dressed Emmy and I as these little clowns (I know – clowns are weird, but this was the late 80s and we were probably 7 and 3, so bear with me). So, when we got there, we walk in, all clownsuited up, and…. every freaking other person there is dressed as a Bible character. Seriously. There were about 15 angels and then every other person basically had on a tunic (is that the correct Biblical terminology for this type of raiment?) and a towel on their head. Costume creativity, apparently, is not encouraged among Christian home educators. So, picture me and Emmy with tears running ludicrously through the painstakingly applied clown makeup and all these other stuffy, judge-y parents glaring at my mother for bringing us to the event in heathenish attire, and you can see why I have Halloween-related PTSD and why this holiday is not at the top of my celebratory list.

But, I do love seeing creative Halloween costumes. In fact, I’m pretty convinced that 3/4 of the reason people have kids is so they can dress them up in awesome Halloween stuff. Meanwhile, there’s poor me over here, no kids, no pets, wearing a non-slutty butterfly costume to work (the term costume is kind of a loose one as it basically entails adding wings and a tutu to regular clothes. I know – I’m really committed to the whole Halloween thing).

So, being a childless, pet-less adult, I did the next best thing – went to my friend Lex’s house, drank some wine, ate some cheesecake and spaghetti and ridiculously good garlic bread, and handed out candy (the better to not have any leftover chocolate hanging around my house and seducing me). Andddd, of course, scoured the internet for the best pics of other people’s kids doing Halloween-y things. And here, friends, is a digest of pictures I found.*

Little Heisenberg

Pretty sure if your kid asks to dress up as a drug dealer for Halloween, you’re doing a kind of terrible job at parenting.

Here’s another for the Worst Parents Ever annals

When this baby grows up, she’s going to say, “Mommy, I want to be an astrophysicist.” And her parents are going to say, “But, baby, we had such high hopes for you – don’t you want to wait tables and be objectified by men on a daily basis?”

Tiny Andy Reid

These people, on the other hand, are doing an excellent job at parenting…. and making their baby famous.

So cute I can hardly stand it.

This is good stuff. And, it’s kind of multitasking too, so the baby can walk by itself and the parents have one hand free for treats and the other for that flask that’s getting them through a long, hard afternoon of encouraging their children to go door to door asking for handouts.

Little Coach Gosling

This is probably the greatest costume of all time. Why? Not only is it an excellent homage to the most attractive collegiate football coach out there, BUT these parents actually got to take their kid and meet the real Kliff Kingsbury. So, hats off to that mom for being the smartest lady EVER. My future child is absolutely dressing as Art Briles – all I need is a long-sleeved mock turtleneck in baby sizes, a green Nike hat and a thought bubble over its head that says, “OFFENSE!” Someone on Twitter suggested “Scoregasm!” for the thought bubble, but as my sister Em said, “It’s borderline inappropriate to put any kind of gasm over a baby’s head.”

So, feed my costume envy – what did you dress your kids up as for Halloween? Or, did you have a really awesome costume yourself? (One girl I know from college dressed up with her husband as Daenerys and Khal Drogo, which was the best adult costume I have seen all year!).

*everything is linked back to the source where I found it. None of these pictures are actually mine.


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